you already know


for the first time in an extremely long time, i’ve started to feel at peace with myself and the things that i’ve been through. things that used to make me cry for hours on end, or upset me, seem to no longer have the same effect. even though i find those things sad all the same, they don’t make me feel like it’s the end of the world anymore. sometimes i have this weird intrusive thought, that a part of me shouldn’t be like this, as if i deserve to be sad, not as calm. that scares me, because it really does confirm that we are often our own worst enemy. perhaps i’m like this because i’ve been accustomed to the sadness. it’s something i’ve become comfortable with; accepting it as normal: but it’s not. all i’m trying to make out through this little paragraph of words is that even though i’m inherently a broken person, i’m starting to realise that it’s okay. and life really does go on, regardless of your flaws and imperfections. for me, it’s taken so much time just to get to this stage of being calm, and relatively relaxed. many years of pain, sadness, confusion. but even though this is one little cornerstone, i’m glad i’m finally on the right track to some semblance of stability. change has always been a quiet fear of mine, but now it doesn’t seem all so bad. i’ve had a few people who i could say have helped me realise things, but ultimately, the only person responsible for this is myself.

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The Nectar of Pain / Najwa Zebian (2016)

It took me a while to realise what’s written in the pages of this book, and it’ll probably take even longer to actually put it into action. But there’s plenty of time.

I’d been feeling used by a lot of people in my life for a long time, feeling like they only wanted me for one thing. There’s no quick fix to heartbreak or sadness over failed friendships and relationships, but day by day, I feel i’m closer to finding the me I lost. I started feeling better when i realised i’m worthy of something better and more satisfying. I cried less when I realised i’m not disposable, in odds against how others made me feel (even if they didn’t intend to make me feel so low about myself).

It’s a shame when you have to let go of things that once made you happy, but in the most selfless act, if it no longer makes you feel good, you should start putting yourself first.

Continue reading “The Nectar of Pain / Najwa Zebian (2016)”