word vomit: in between days & sex education

images: Sex Education, Netflix, IMDb
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i’ll start with saying i don’t really know what to say. i don’t feel sad, but i don’t feel that happy either. all i can explain right now is a feeling of existing, with 0 clue of what the current purpose of my life is- in the least depressing way.

there are things i’m looking forward to, gigs like the 1975 this week, or ones which are months away. and going out with my pals etc.

but what about the moments when you’re alone- the times in between the things you look forward to… the things you have to endure, to experience *actual* happiness? the bits in between like writing a 4,000 word essay in 3 days because you procrastinated and left it way too late, or attending lectures and seminars when you don’t want to because you let anxiety get in the way, or scrolling on Instagram and delving way too deep in to stalker mode on someone who you don’t even know but assume they have the perfect life, so of course you want to be them and begin to self-loathe, or having to read a book you’re really not interested in. but, some of the ‘in between’ days can actually be worth it and satisfying, if we make good use of them- like turning the page of a good self-help book, or watching a really brilliant film (dead poets society), or, scrolling through funny twitter threads.

Continue reading “word vomit: in between days & sex education”

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The Nectar of Pain / Najwa Zebian (2016)

It took me a while to realise what’s written in the pages of this book, and it’ll probably take even longer to actually put it into action. But there’s plenty of time.

I’d been feeling used by a lot of people in my life for a long time, feeling like they only wanted me for one thing. There’s no quick fix to heartbreak or sadness over failed friendships and relationships, but day by day, I feel i’m closer to finding the me I lost. I started feeling better when i realised i’m worthy of something better and more satisfying. I cried less when I realised i’m not disposable, in odds against how others made me feel (even if they didn’t intend to make me feel so low about myself).

It’s a shame when you have to let go of things that once made you happy, but in the most selfless act, if it no longer makes you feel good, you should start putting yourself first.

Continue reading “The Nectar of Pain / Najwa Zebian (2016)”