in a sudden turn of events, for the first time in weeks, maybe even months, i actually feel genuinely happy. things are definitely not perfect at all, but i’m feeling o.k.a.y. so to end off the shittiest and lowest year of my life (no exaggeration, maybe i’ll talk about it in like 20 years), i want to share a playlist that’ll always put me in a good mood, maybe it will for other PULP fans toooo (cause we all fancy jarvis cocker a little bit don’t we ;p).
for the first time in an extremely long time, i’ve started to feel at peace with myself and the things that i’ve been through. things that used to make me cry for hours on end, or upset me, seem to no longer have the same effect. even though i find those things sad all the same, they don’t make me feel like it’s the end of the world anymore. sometimes i have this weird intrusive thought, that a part of me shouldn’t be like this, as if i deserve to be sad, not as chilled. that scares me, because it really does confirm that we are often our own worst enemy. perhaps i’m like this because i’ve been accustomed to the sadness. it’s something i’ve become comfortable with; accepting it as normal: but it’s not. all i’m trying to make out through this little paragraph of words is that even though i’m inherently a broken person, i’m starting to realise that it’s okay. and life really does go on, regardless of your flaws and imperfections. for me, it’s taken so much time just to get to this stage of being calm, and relatively relaxed. many years of pain, sadness, confusion. but even though this is one little cornerstone, i’m glad i’m finally on the right track to some semblance of stability. change has always been a quiet fear of mine, but now it doesn’t seem all so bad. i’ve had a few people who i could say have helped me realise things, but ultimately, the only person responsible for this is myself.
image featured above: sunbeams in padley gorge, Sheffield, Sahar
木漏れ日 – komorebi
‘the interplay between light and leaves when sunlight shines through trees.’
Since Mental Health Awareness Week is coming up (14th – 20th May 2018), I reckoned this post would be fitting. I’m not an expert, I don’t think anyone fully is, but I find when people talk from experience it can be so useful. Discussing mental health, with its magnitude and variations can be daunting. Some people who experience mental instability find talking useless or unnecessary, for others, it’s what will save them in the end. Dealing with childhood trauma, it’s always been an area I found hard to come to terms with. Probably because it made me feel different to everyone else or ashamed, as I never wanted to admit I had these horribly sad feelings when people said I seemed happy. Perhaps it’s a cliché statement, and even though my problems are unique, so many feel similar things. So having this awareness can potentially help others feel more at ease. Equally, it may not help, and that’s what we also need to understand: the complexity of mental health. While it’s encouraged to speak out about your worries, it can be very triggering for some, if not exhausting, to replay and repeat issues that inflict pain or remind you of a dark place you’re ultimately trying to escape from. So with that in mind, we need to allow people to be ready and not force it upon them.