i think a way for me to be happier in myself is to process past trauma. i never properly dealt with anything bad that happened in my life, because i never spoke about it at the time i went through it, e.g. when i was a child. because the people who should’ve protected me were the ones causing the pain. similar to recently, i went through a tough period of letting people wear me down and accepting it as what i deserved. because i wanted to keep people around. it was very naive of me, and i think we all have that streak in us. i assume that a symptom of childhood trauma is naivety – you experience traumatic events and normalise them, so you become blissfully ignorant to other potentially awful situations because you’re scared of the abandonment and being alone.
so i wrote a whole thing about the past 3 years and it helped to let it all out. but in reality, it was all just a jumble of words and i kinda don’t want anyone to see that because it’s a reflection of what a mess my mind has been, and some of it didn’t even have much truth to it, which sums up the past year :/. also there were some awful spelling mistakes ha. [and a few too many revealing stories lol, i’ll keep those to myself from now x :)]
images: Angel Olson, France, Andy Sawyer: 2017
in a sudden turn of events, for the first time in weeks, maybe even months, i actually feel genuinely fine? things are definitely not perfect at all, but i’m feeling o.k.a.y. so to end off the shittiest and lowest year of my life (no exaggeration, maybe i’ll talk about it in like 20 years), i want to share a playlist that’ll always put me in a good mood, maybe it will for other PULP fans toooo (cause we all fancy jarvis cocker a little bit don’t we ;p).
😦 😦 😦 😦
images: NYC TSQ, 2018