images: Sex Education, Netflix, IMDb
i’ll start with saying i don’t really know what to say. i don’t feel sad, but i don’t feel that happy either. all i can explain right now is a feeling of existing, with 0 clue of what the current purpose of my life is- in the least depressing way.
there are things i’m looking forward to, gigs like the 1975 this week, or ones which are months away. and going out with my pals etc.
but what about the moments when you’re alone- the times in between the things you look forward to… the things you have to endure, to experience *actual* happiness? the bits in between like writing a 4,000 word essay in 3 days because you procrastinated and left it way too late, or attending lectures and seminars when you don’t want to because you let anxiety get in the way, or scrolling on Instagram and delving way too deep in to stalker mode on someone who you don’t even know but assume they have the perfect life, so of course you want to be them and begin to self-loathe, or having to read a book you’re really not interested in. but, some of the ‘in between’ days can actually be worth it and satisfying, if we make good use of them- like turning the page of a good self-help book, or watching a really brilliant film (dead poets society), or, scrolling through funny twitter threads.
FILMED FOR FORGE TV: ON THE BEAT WITH REDFACES
considering louis tomlinson was always my favorite, then harry, it’s pretty bizarre that harry and zayn are now my faves solo. i grew up listening to a lot of different music – those now 60/70 albums really do shape who you are don’t they. sugababes obviously, one direction, obviously, and of course what people around me listened to – simon and garfunkel, the beatles and then whatever artists i discovered from watching top of the pops with my dad. then i really became a beatles fan when i was 15 and then just fell in love with guitar music and rock (and wish you were here by pink floyd, and damon albarn, yes.) and not to miss out the music being made in my own city – arctic monkeys, milburn, pulp and later listening to the long blondes , little man tate and the resttt.
i think a way for me to be happier in myself is to process past trauma. i never properly dealt with anything bad that’s happened because i never spoke about it at the time i went through it, e.g. when i was a child, because the people who should’ve protected me were the ones causing the pain. similar to recently, i went through a tough period of letting people wear me down and accepting it as what i deserved. because i wanted to keep people around. it was very naive of me, and i think we all have that streak in us. i assume that a symptom of childhood trauma is naivety – you experience traumatic events and normalise them so you become blissfully ignorant to other potentially awful situations because you’re scared of the abandonment and being alone.
so i wrote a whole thing about the past 3 years and it helped to let it all out. but in reality, it was all just a jumble of words and i kinda don’t want anyone to see that because it’s a reflection of what a mess my mind has been, and some of it didn’t even have much truth to it, which sums up the past year :/. also there were some awful spelling mistakes ha. [and a few too many revealing stories lol, i’ll keep those to myself from now x :)]