word vomit: in between days & sex education

images: Sex Education, Netflix, IMDb
***

i’ll start with saying i don’t really know what to say. i don’t feel sad, but i don’t feel that happy either. all i can explain right now is a feeling of existing, with 0 clue of what the current purpose of my life is- in the least depressing way.

there are things i’m looking forward to, gigs like the 1975 this week, or ones which are months away. and going out with my pals etc.

but what about the moments when you’re alone- the times in between the things you look forward to… the things you have to endure, to experience *actual* happiness? the bits in between like writing a 4,000 word essay in 3 days because you procrastinated and left it way too late, or attending lectures and seminars when you don’t want to because you let anxiety get in the way, or scrolling on Instagram and delving way too deep in to stalker mode on someone who you don’t even know but assume they have the perfect life, so of course you want to be them and begin to self-loathe, or having to read a book you’re really not interested in. but, some of the ‘in between’ days can actually be worth it and satisfying, if we make good use of them- like turning the page of a good self-help book, or watching a really brilliant film (dead poets society), or, scrolling through funny twitter threads.

anyway, what i’m wondering is, what is life meant to be, am i doing it right, or badly? (lol)

not to fall into an existential crisis and completely confuse myself by writing this (the title is fitting), but what really is the point? i sometimes wonder that, especially when i’m alone. and then i remind myself of the things i have to do and forget about it for a while. or, actually, i’ll remember that whole passage by matt haig in reasons to stay alive (psa: i’m not sad as i’m writing this, in fact i’ve been so much better lately, the best i’ve been in a long time, but it still fits in with helping me and others) the one where it says-

as i’m typing this, i’m actually realising that if everything is just meaningless, why spend that time caring so much about what other people think or not like about you. why spend your time in constant comparison and competition with someone who 1) you can never be and 2) should never want to be. they’re probably doing the same thing anyway.

there’s always going to be those *popular* people, or those cool kids, or people with all those friends, or even those with one good friend who look like they have everything you want, and who seem to have the perfect life, so you end up falling into the trap of comparing, hating yourself, and wishing for more, and then end up being scared of someone who has no clue they had that power over you. when for all we know, they probably have so many flaws and doubts too. we shouldn’t hate them for what we think we don’t have, but just accept that we’re all different, life isn’t perfect for anyone, so just be kind. [but do not be a pushover if they are actually mean to u :-))]

i watched the first series of sex education on Netflix and i loved it so much. two things really got me, probably the best quotes I’ve taken away from a modern series –

– the sexiest plumber/ handyman aka jakob says ‘fuck fear… it’s a waste of time’ when otis’ mum is discussing her reluctance to write a new book

– and when otis says ‘but love isn’t about grand gestures, or the moon and the stars. it’s just dumb luck. and sometimes, you just feel the same way. and sometimes, you’re unlucky. but one day, you’re gonna meet someone who appreciates you for who you are.’ to the kid who is gonna basically kill himself over an unrequited love (think we’ve all been there lmao)

i think these are things we all need to listen to, because sometimes we get so caught up in an idea, we let it consume us. and then we’ve wasted years of our life getting sad for no real reason. life is tough but it’s also wonderful if we just accept things for what they are. as me and my pal said a few days ago: the best things happen when you least expect it (‘you can’t engineer a relationship’ or anything for that matter, and expect authentic and sincere results, it’s fakeeee). and as liam fray says, the greatest things happen by accident, so just let it be. whatever confusion you’re feeling from the pointless part of life, just hang in there, do whatever you need to do to fill the gaps, because better times will come.

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Author: Sahar Ghadirian

i like to take pictures, and write

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