i think a way for me to be happier in myself is to process past trauma. i never properly dealt with anything bad that’s happened because i never spoke about it at the time i went through it, e.g. when i was a child, because the people who should’ve protected me were the ones causing the pain. similar to recently, i went through a tough period of letting people wear me down and accepting it as what i deserved. because i wanted to keep people around. it was very naive of me, and i think we all have that streak in us. i assume that a symptom of childhood trauma is naivety – you experience traumatic events and normalise them so you become blissfully ignorant to other potentially awful situations because you’re scared of the abandonment and being alone.
in one of my therapy sessions i realised that a lot of the sadness i felt from childhood trauma was because i was confusing my pain with the pain of someone else’s. i’m finally understanding, after 17 years, i was seeing domestic abuse. no one protected me and took me away from that, i was forced to see it all unravel, or hear it happen from the closed door of my bedroom. i didn’t have a choice to get away from it as a child, although i did try to run away a few times, or beg someone to adopt me (sounds funny but it’s so sad). but the reason why i cry so much especially when i think about some of the abuse i saw, is because i didn’t just feel vulnerable for myself, but for the person it was happening to. as a 4 year old, seeing the first glimpse of domestic abuse, i felt powerless, helpless. the worst part wasn’t seeing it. the worst part which upset and traumatised me for so many years after it, was the fact that i saw it and couldn’t do anything to help, i didn’t know how to at that age, or even older when i was 18. i feel guilty for it though, and that’s what i’m trying to work on. it was never my fault, yet i blame myself. for so long i’d been experiencing the feelings of other people, which has been hard to understand. but they are adults, they were adults then and shouldn’t have let us seen that regardless.
i’m nearly 21, and i have a choice whether i want to be happy and let go of the past or be angry, bitter and let what i went through affect my future relationships, which it has formerly done. so i’m learning to say goodbye to all that, it may take a while, months or years, but i feel like i’m going to get there.