so i wrote a whole thing about the past 3 years and it helped to let it all out. but in reality, it was all just a jumble of words and i kinda don’t want anyone to see that because it’s a reflection of what a mess my mind has been, and some of it didn’t even have much truth to it, which sums up the past year :/. also there were some awful spelling mistakes ha. [and a few too many revealing stories lol, i’ll keep those to myself from now x :)]
i started 2019 in the best way possible compared to other years, i haven’t sobbed uncontrollably like some of the others, i think a few happy tears came out which is always funny. i still feel a little lost, a bit empty and unsure of what i’m doing, but i just hope i can be a bit better in myself this year, i’m not sure happiness is what i even want, because what even is being happy? it’s a bit of a fickle feeling isn’t it? things and people are what we think make us happy, but maybe just being OK is what i really need, like at peace with things? it’s never going to be simple (nothing’s ever that simple… lol) but just a journey to being ok, letting go of those sad intrusive thoughts and realising not everyone is perfect, i’m not, so why should i get upset that other people aren’t too? i think my main thing to get over in general and this year is accepting the bad things that have happened and the mean things people have done and somehow trying to remember the better times rather than the sad… (not to say i’ll let people treat me bad, but i don’t want to be bitter either, just wanna be okayyy.)
new year’s are always weird for me, i never used to do much up until a few years ago, and i always remember old things and people who i guess just aren’t in my life anymore, but that’s just a part of growing up. i legit used to always wish and hope i’d get invited to a family party or do something because my family never did much and my extended ones did but they all lived in london and it was difficult to go. so obviously when it got to being 18 and going out, it made me excited to ring in the new year with people i loved. i feel like that lasted a few years and now some of us have grown apart being in different cities etc. it sucks but i’ll always miss being younger and having the time, even if we should all make time, life does fuck things up a little.
but anywayy, happy happy 2019 to everyone! i feel really soppy cause 2018 was a hard year for me, but i really appreciate the people who made the time and listened to me being a mess, because i am fully aware i’m not the only person with issues, everyone has things going on. sooo, yep. on that note, here’s to a better year and just letting go, and dancing more and laughing more at myself and processing the sadness and just being actually ok for a bit.