for the first time in an extremely long time, i’ve started to feel at peace with myself and the things that i’ve been through. things that used to make me cry for hours on end, or upset me, seem to no longer have the same effect. even though i find those things sad all the same, they don’t make me feel like it’s the end of the world anymore. sometimes i have this weird intrusive thought, that a part of me shouldn’t be like this, as if i deserve to be sad, not as calm. that scares me, because it really does confirm that we are often our own worst enemy. perhaps i’m like this because i’ve been accustomed to the sadness. it’s something i’ve become comfortable with; accepting it as normal: but it’s not. all i’m trying to make out through this little paragraph of words is that even though i’m inherently a broken person, i’m starting to realise that it’s okay. and life really does go on, regardless of your flaws and imperfections. for me, it’s taken so much time just to get to this stage of being calm, and relatively relaxed. many years of pain, sadness, confusion. but even though this is one little cornerstone, i’m glad i’m finally on the right track to some semblance of stability. change has always been a quiet fear of mine, but now it doesn’t seem all so bad. i’ve had a few people who i could say have helped me realise things, but ultimately, the only person responsible for this is myself.
but one big thing is books, articles, videos and songs from people i’ve never even met. i find it bizarre how people i don’t even know have made me feel so many emotions over the past year. i’ve cried, i’ve felt relief, shame, and hope; because of the words of strangers. Matt Haig, Rupi Kaur, Nikita Gill, Ellie Rowsell, Taylor Swift, Najwa Zebian, Mac Miller, Kya Buller – the names off the top of my head of writers who i can proudly say have been there for me. their words have provided me more comfort than anyone else has. i lost a lot of faith in myself this year. i’m sad i let things get to the worst they’ve ever been, but these people reminded me of who i was, am and can be. i study english literature and i’m glad i do, because i’ll never be as grateful as i am now for the power of words.
Matt Haig included this quote in his recent book Notes on a Nervous Planet:
'Comparison Is the Thief of Joy' - Theodore Roosevelt
it didn’t hit me till now, but i’ll remind myself of this quote every day. as i begin to accept that i am worthy of happiness, despite the unfair things i experienced growing up, i realise that it doesn’t matter that i’m not the same as everyone else. i’m a bit awkward, and many other things that i used to not like about myself, but i’ll embrace it now. beautifully unconventional as Ellie Roswell says. just because i wasn’t good enough for some, doesn’t mean i’m not good enough all together.